Answers every Retail worker wants to give

Dumb Customer

Q: “Excuse me, do you work here?”

A: “No, I absolutely love this mass produced, sweat box uniform, so I just wear it for the crack.  Also, I love voluntarily getting on my knees in random stores and helping out obnoxious, rude people for free.”

Matrix Prices

Q: “How much is this?”

A: “Hmm, I don’t know.  Let me just consult my onboard computer and access my worldwide price App that I have built in.  I had no idea I looked like a walking price-list, I must talk to my plastic surgeon.”


Q: “Where are the toilets?”

A: “Well, if you follow the huge directional signs that this particular company has spent thousands of pounds on perfecting to ensure people like you can find them, it’ll take you right there.  I know, I know, its extremely silly of me to think that you could lift your head and look for yourself.”

stupid and rude

Q: “Excuse me, to save me looking, could you tell me where A, B & C are kept?”

A: “Of course, of course.  I’ll save you the trouble of looking and do your shopping for you.  It’s a terrible ordeal this shopping carry on, I couldn’t expect you to look for your required items on your own.  Actually, aren’t you the person who recently asked where the toilets were?”


Q: “Can you put another checkout on? I’ve been waiting for 10 minutes!”

A: “First of all, 10 minutes is an extreme exaggeration, you only just joined a queue of 2 people.  Secondly, if you could just stop thinking about your arrogant self and your pointless little errands that you have to get on with, as I know that you’re an extremely important and busy person and the world revolves around you, you’ll notice that the employee behind the till is working very hard to get customers through quickly and efficently and does not deserve any kind of rude behaviour from you”


Q: “This is a disgrace, let me speak to the Manager!”

A: “The manager is actually very busy at the moment, dealing with more important issues and customers who have genuine complaints and manners.  Also, the manager will most likely stick to the answer or decision that I have made as you are acting like a spoiled child and believe that you can make unreasonable demands to little people shop workers, like me.”

“Is there anything else I can help you with today?” – (asked with a smile)

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5 thoughts on “Answers every Retail worker wants to give

  1. Reblogged this on newauthoronline and commented:
    This is a great post and obviously comes from the heart. Many retail workers put up with a great deal from customers. However the interaction between store employee and customer cuts both ways.
    Retail worker to me: “Can I help you?”
    Me: “No, I have just been standing in this queue for the last 10 minutes purely for the good of my health”.
    Particularly stupid store security guard to me: “Is that a guide dog?”
    Me: “No, I am pretending to be blind and dress my dog up in his distinctive white harness purely for the fun of the thing”.
    I have never, I hasten to add said these things, however stupidity does cut both ways.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Thanks for the reblog, Kevin.
    Yes, I agree it cuts both ways, there’s no denying. Some of the breeze blocks who work at the stores are particularly stupid & ask some of the most excruciatingly stupid questions. For example, I’ve just emptied a weeks worth of shopping into the check out & im asked: “Would you like a bag?”.

    Liked by 1 person

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