The write life offers feedback from literary agents on what they don’t like to see in the opening of a novel.
Q: “Excuse me, do you work here?”
A: “No, I absolutely love this mass produced, sweat box uniform, so I just wear it for the crack. Also, I love voluntarily getting on my knees in random stores and helping out obnoxious, rude people for free.”
Q: “How much is this?”
A: “Hmm, I don’t know. Let me just consult my onboard computer and access my worldwide price App that I have built in. I had no idea I looked like a walking price-list, I must talk to my plastic surgeon.”
Q: “Where are the toilets?”
A: “Well, if you follow the huge directional signs that this particular company has spent thousands of pounds on perfecting to ensure people like you can find them, it’ll take you right there. I know, I know, its extremely silly of me to think that you could lift your head and look for yourself.”
Q: “Excuse me, to save me looking, could you tell me where A, B & C are kept?”
A: “Of course, of course. I’ll save you the trouble of looking and do your shopping for you. It’s a terrible ordeal this shopping carry on, I couldn’t expect you to look for your required items on your own. Actually, aren’t you the person who recently asked where the toilets were?”
Q: “Can you put another checkout on? I’ve been waiting for 10 minutes!”
A: “First of all, 10 minutes is an extreme exaggeration, you only just joined a queue of 2 people. Secondly, if you could just stop thinking about your arrogant self and your pointless little errands that you have to get on with, as I know that you’re an extremely important and busy person and the world revolves around you, you’ll notice that the employee behind the till is working very hard to get customers through quickly and efficently and does not deserve any kind of rude behaviour from you”
Q: “This is a disgrace, let me speak to the Manager!”
A: “The manager is actually very busy at the moment, dealing with more important issues and customers who have genuine complaints and manners. Also, the manager will most likely stick to the answer or decision that I have made as you are acting like a spoiled child and believe that you can make unreasonable demands to little people shop workers, like me.”
“Is there anything else I can help you with today?” – (asked with a smile)
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Last night, I wasn’t feeling entirely confident about my blog or my writing. It’s a natural feeling from time to time for most writers, I would imagine.
So, I plonked myself in front of the Mac and I typed up a small blog about how I felt or or how I feel when I read my stats for the day and they’re not setting the World Wide Web on fire.
Within 3 minutes or so of publishing it, I was alerted that it had been liked and reblogged by http://thestoryreadingapeblog.com
I’m not joking when I tell you, my post and my blog site went crazy for the next 8 hours. Likes, comments, new followers. Posts that had been dormant for some time had been revived by these welcomed new visitors. The WordPress App on my iPhone sent me an alert, telling me my ‘Blog Stats are booming’. I didn’t even know they did that? Turns out, they do.
I guess you could agree that there was some degree of irony, based on the content of my post and the activity it created.
I visited http://thestoryreadingapeblog.com ‘s site and thanked them personally for giving me what was my second best day for views and visitors since I began my blog. If I hadn’t already, I quickly learned about the community culture that us WordPressers are lucky to have and come to enjoy.
I was overwhelmed with positive words of encouragement from fellow bloggers who had, and have had the same feelings over and over. What’s more, it introduced me to a whole host of new bloggers and content.
Every cloud and all that.
Thank you to the article I wrote, but, especially to the WordPress community who literally made my stats Rocket for a whole day.
We used to be current, useful and necessary. At one point, if it hadn’t been for us, you’d have never seen a fraction of those movies as a kid.
You used to be excited when you found us, opened our cases and put us into our old friend, VCR.
You used to be so proud of us. So proud, in fact, you’d stack us high in plain sight in your home. You’d count us and catalogue us, you’d share us with friends. You’d stay up late with us and laugh, root or cry at whatever we’d screen for you.
At holiday times, you relied on us to capture and record those movies and shows that you weren’t around to watch.
At Christmas time, you unwrapped us and smiled when you saw that we had your favourite movie recorded onto us.
You came to our special store to visit us and borrow us for the weekend. We’d entertain you all weekend long, until you had to return us.
Years passed by, and you realised you no longer needed us.
Newer, faster, smaller versions of us were created.
You soon realised, there were so many of the old us, you didn’t know what to do with us.
So, you got rid of us, binned us, destroyed us.
Many of us still remain. We sit in cupboards, in attics, in boxes. But, we know that nobody is coming. Nobody needs or wants to see what we have to offer.
Children have been born and don’t even know anything about us. We are a photo in a history book, a paragraph in a past technology blog.
Our time has long been over. Once, we were the only source of your enjoyment and entertainment.
Now, we are just plastic and tape, waiting to be recycled and eventually forgotten.