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Al Graham

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Bruce Willis

6 Certanties if John McClane was YOUR Dad

 1. School bullies & strict teachers would give you a wide steer. You’d strut around school as if you owned it. Everybody (or those who had any sense) would rather believe that you did not exist, it’s probably better off that way. For them.

  2. Being dropped off to school, particularly if you were running late, would consist of a high speed chase against the clock through town, through the public park finalised by leaping off a bridge, possibly through a helicopter before stopping outside school with seconds to spare. The car most likely would be a commandeered taxi of sorts. It’s just quicker that way.

 3. Christmas time would generally be a dangerous, if not, exciting time for the family. Visits to the store, airports or office parties would most likely end up in a terrorist situation, meaning that you will more than likely be held hostage and need rescuing by your dad. 

4. You would be subjected to constant one liner jokes most of the day, that would cleverly fit in with the current situation. Your friends would find this funny. You, would not.

5. Walking around town could result in stares, as your dad walks around in a dirty white vest with gun holsters and possibly, bleeding bare feet. Yeah, it’s laundry day.
 6. You would never find yourself stranded if out with your dad. Luckily, that’s because the ability to commandeer any coincidental passing vehicle or aircraft comes naturally. Apparently.

Read 12 things we learned from Die Hard.

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12 Things we learned from Die Hard

It’s a classic.  We love it.  We grew up with it.  We still watch it, excited, thrilled and rooting for unsuspecting cop, John Mclane.  When realesed in 1987, John McTiernans Die Hard set a new standard for action movies, while spiralling Bruce Willis into superstardom and pocketing him, a then unheard of, $5 million dollar pay day.  Even today, Die Hard has not lost any of its charm, wit, or gritty action feel.  Though I’d never dare to admit how many hours of my life have disappeared due to watching this film, I’ve seen enough to compile a list of things Ive ‘learned’.  Whether they be fact or fiction, who cares? John Mclane has taught us afterall.

TV Dinner

1. Cramped, sweaty, claustrophobic, unsure, scared to death and like you’re crawling inside an air-con unit, within an elevator shaft.  John Mclane certainly cleared up how a TV dinner must feel, all of the time.

Fists with your toes

2. Making fists with your toes, apparently helps you over your fear of flying, after you’ve flown.

Terrorists

3. Any terrorist organisation that enters the USA, are German, 6 feet tall, have long hair (mostly blonde) and speak sentences non sensical to the German language.

Fire hose around waist

4. Swinging off of a tower building, such as the Nakatomi Tower, with a fire hose wrapped around your waist and colliding into a window, is not enough to break the glass.  Instead, swinging out, firing your gun and shattering the glass is currently the most effective way to get back inside.

Ordering a pizza

5. If you are ever unfortunate enough to be in a predicament such as John Mclanes, contacting the authorities via a civilian handheld radio will only be taken as a hoax and you will most likely be taken as a clown ordering a pizza.

lobby

6. Every imaginable piece of equipment in the Nakatomi Tower (auto doors, elevators, packing shutters etc. etc.) are seeming all controlled from 1 very dated computer behind the reception desk in the lobby.

elevator shaft

7. The inside of elevator shafts of the Nakatomi Tower, appear to be very manouverable and seemingly an easier way to navigate through the building.

Air con Shaft

8. Aircon shafts appear to be capable of sustaining the weight of a grown man, such as John Mclane, while he hides from tall, long blonde terrorists.

yippe ki yay

9. Even when under attack or during times of distress, or when just escaping death, it may still be possible to spout out a witty comment or one liner in relation to your current situation, to yourself.

explosion

10. Dropping a 1980’s computer monitor, while tied to a swivel chair, down an elevator shaft, will cause a devastating explosion and blast any glass screen doors into next Tuesday while covering any unsuspecting police officers or spectators unlucky enough to be standing outside.

safe

11. If you wish to rob a building containing a safe of $60 million in bearer bonds, such as the Nakatomi Tower, don’t hijack the building and risk your years of planning being screwed by an unsuspecting yahoo cop in a vest.  Simply kill the power to building from the main grid and the safe will open!

Hans Falling

12. If you are accidentally (or purposely) dropped from the 30th floor of a tower building, it will take you approximately 5 seconds to smash to your ugly death below.

“You’ll pay for this in Die Hard 3 John Mclaaaaaaaannnnneee…….”

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