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Al Graham

Author & Blogger

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Comedy

Create a Texas Chainsaw Massacre on your iPhone

If you’ve ever felt the need, then you can legally cause havoc with a chainsaw chopping people up for fun while the world watches.

If you’re a fan of movies, a filmmaker or are just looking for some fun with your friends, then check out this short video to see how.

Today’s #Funnypics 

  
Lemon felt Chef took it too far when he stopped him & Lime from arguing.

That really gets my goat! Part 3: Ignorant Idiots

Goat 1

 

Seven billion.  A huge number.  In fact, it’s such a massive number, its very difficult to picture or contemplate.  Yet, thats exactly (well not exactly) how many human beings reside on this planet, known as Earth.  A planet that is essentially 90% water with only 10% available land.  But, in actual fact, 4% of that land is uninhabitable deserts, ice deserts, barren volcanic rock or snake and spider infested jungles.  This leaves seven billion of us to fight over a tiny 6% of habitable land.

When you do that kind of math, it doesn’t take Einstein to work out, that a few of us won’t get along.  We may annoy each other, become angry with one another.  We may disagree with opinions or beliefs of other people or religions.  And frighteningly enough, some of us don’t think twice of killing each other.

None of us are born with manners.  When your parents raise you, they teach you right from wrong, how and when to say please and thank you and teach you the importance of a good education.  The sad truth is, there are a lot of children out there that don’t receive as good an upbringing as they deserve, meaning that they could grow into adulthood possessing neither manners, respect or a good education.
Most of us respect our parents for teaching us the important things in life and we will put it into practice as we go through our childhood and into our adult life.

Some people, however, don’t.  Instead, they choose to forget manners, choose to be disrespectful towards other people and just enjoy being horrible or nasty.
I, for one, was raised with, and taught the importance of manners and respecting people.  When I encounter people who are ignorant, disrespectful and just down right rude, it really, really gets my goat!

Simple things like holding doors open, saying excuse me if you need to squeeze past someone on the bus or train, apologising if you step on someones toe or helping somebody pick up their shopping when the bags suddenly burst.  These are examples of common courtesy, manners and respect.

Are these things really difficult to do? For some people, the answer is yes.

I can remember many times when I’ve been bumped past on the street or on a bus, yet, the ignoramus responsible, keeps walking.  I can remember holding doors open for people as they enter the mall, only to have it swing back in my face as I exit.

Other people believe that they are the only ones around and are free to do as they please without considering others.  I’ll give you an example:

The other day, my lovely wife and I had been for a late night swim (it really helps her in the last stages of pregnancy).  After stopping for a bag of chips, I noticed that one of my tyres was flat, and so, proceeded to the nearest fuel station.  When I arrived, I pulled up by the air dispenser and began blowing up my tyre.  Within 5 seconds of this, a car came roaring in off of the street, dodged the fuel pumps and screeched to a halt.  To add to the idiocy of the driver, he was booming 90’s dance music so loud it would have awoken Godzilla from hibernation.  Boom, boom! Thud, Thud! I’ll bet if he killed the engine, the vibrations from the bass could’ve easily carried the car along the road. I’m sure we all play music loud in our cars, sometimes.  I have, and do.  But, not at 10:30pm in a built up area, and certainly not as I pull into a quiet fuel station.  What amazed me even more about this, was that the driver was a balding, fat 40 something, height of nothingness man.  His friend, of equal description, hauled himself out of the low riding car and headed to an ATM.  Even more astoundingly, they actually tried to talk to each other, or rather, scream at each other as the music boomed, while one idiot stood at the ATM and the other moron sat in his car.  Seriously gents, drive responsibly, turn that ageing dance music down and act your bloody age!

I have often witnessed people load shopping into their cars, only to lazily toss the shopping trolley to one side and climb into their cars.  Of course, that trolley will eventually creep down the gradient and eventually hit some poor souls new Maserati.  What makes this more irritating, aside from the down right laziness and zero respect for other peoples property, is the fact that the trolley park is less than 3 meters from them.  Yet, these very people would be the first complain if their car was whacked by a run away trolley.

You can imagine my horror as I browsed my local supermarket and witnessed an elderly customer trying to get the attention of an assistant, by calling after them as if they were some little junk yard dog, while waving a walking stick in the air.  The store worker remained calm and pleasant.  I for one, was boiling inside.  I would never dream of ever speaking to a junk yard dog like that anyway, never mind another human being.

Other experiences, such as walking along the street and approaching a Zebra crossing, only to be almost run over by some ignorant, arrogant a-hole who decides that they don’t want to stop for you, even although it’s the law.  And, when you make a face of disgust, they are the ones who throw a hand out of the window, and make a rude gesture of some sort.

There are countless other examples of dealing with, or witnessing a world crammed with horrible ignoramuses.  Im sure, many of you have examples of your own and have most likely dealt with an ignorant idiot quite recently.

However, to the ignorant idiots out there, who choose to be disrespectful, nasty or just down right rude, stop and think for just one minute.  How exactly would you feel, if the shoe was on the other foot?

Ignorance, disrespect and rudeness really, really gets my goat!

Goat has been got!

 

Read Parts 1 and 2, here 

(c) Copyright 2014 AGS

That really gets my goat! Part 2: Gumtree Goons

Goat 1

Its said that the average household has around £1000 of unused and unwanted goods, gadgets & furniture lying around.  TV’s in the attic.  Mobile phones in drawers.  Furnitutre in the garage.  Sometimes, old cars sit feeling sorry for themselves on the drive, having never been driven for years.

If you ever found yourself strapped for cash, it is almost certain that if you looked hard enough around your home, you could easily rustle up enough cash to fix the car, upgrade your TV, finally pay Mum & Dad back or, in my case recently, add it to moving fees and to the baby fund.

I can say with confidence, that I am a dab hand when it comes to selling on gumtree or eBay.  Not without several years of practice, mind you.  How you describe an item, the way you photograph it and even how you title it, could be the difference between collecting cash, or collecting dust.

Many of my gumtree transactions have been smooth and successful. Ive sold items as big as caravans and items as small as camping chairs.  Most gumtree shoppers are easy enough to deal with.  They browse their local area for a particular item, and if you’re lucky enough, they’ll spot your amazingly written and photographed advert.  Once they have read the description, they get in touch with you and arrange a suitable time to come and view (and hopefully buy) your unwanted item.  Its generally a pleasant experience.

However, more than often than I’d like, a Gumtree goon comes into my life and really, really gets my goat! Let me explain why.

In my adverts, I carefully take photos of what Im selling.  I write a short paragraph, describing the item.  I’ll list any flaws, dimensions, missing parts and any broken bits (if necessary).  Then, I’ll list my terms of the sale.  By this, I mean how I’d like to be contacted.  I explain that texts will be ignored, please email me or call me during business hours, and please do not contact me with insulting silly, silly offers.

You can imagine my irritation levels when I received a text from an unknown number at 10:30pm one week night.  Yes, this was a gumtree goon, interested in a computer desk I had listed for £20.  The text messaging tennis between myself and this unbelievable duck egg, was astounding, if not unbelievable.

Goon: Do you still have computer desk?

Me: Yes.

Goon: What size is it?

Me: Dimensions are in the ad description.

There was a short pause.

Goon: How much do you want for it?

Me: As it says in the ad, £20.

Goon: Offer you £5?

Me: £5?! its listed at £20.

10 minutes passed by.

Goon: £5 and an unopened litre bottle of Perno?

I didn’t respond.

Another 10 minutes passed by.

Goon: Thoughts?

Me: Please delete my number and do not contact me again.

I broke my own rules that night by actually responding to the text.  But, the desk was taking up valuable space in the freshly decorated nursery and had been listed for over a week.  I wanted it gone.  Gone for the price of £20.  Not £5 and a bottle of gut melting liquor.

Other similar experiences have included phone calls about a mountain bike I’d been selling.  One merry gentleman rang me and asked for the bikes frame size.  It was written in the bloody title, you know, the one he had to click on, to read my advert!

An older lady once called me, enquiring about an old Peugeot car I had spent a few weeks fixing up for sale.  She wanted to know what colour it was.  Now, I was certain that the coloured photo on the listing, would have been enough.  Was she colour blind? I don’t know, but, she wasn’t illiterate, and for good measure I had written the colour in the advert description. Green!

A foreign gentleman called me late one evening.  Reluctantly I answered.  He was enquiring about a caravan I had for sale.  It turns out he was very interested, but lived five hours away.  He was so interested, in fact, that he packed his wife and child into the minivan and drove through the night for five solid hours to my front door, arriving a little past eight in the morning.  When he arrived, he spent less than ten minutes examining the caravan, to then offer me less than half of what I was asking.  When I declined, he got upset and pleaded with me because he had come so far.  That was his problem.  Why on earth would you travel that far to buy something you hadn’t even seen?  Needless to say, he left and the caravan remained with me, taking up valuable space on my drive.

It could be enough to put you off private selling.  However, the money that can be made and the satisfaction of sending an otherwise unused item back into use, is far too great.  So, I have compiled a list of some top tips to gumtree goons everywhere, to ensure you stop wasting precious time and save yourself needless embarrassment.

1. Please read the advert and the description.  Follow the sellers instructions.  If they ask you not to text, don’t text.  If they ask you to call during business hours, please do so.  By sticking to the sellers terms, you save any unnecessary hostility or shirty replies when you do get in touch and the seller reluctantly responds to your text or answers you call.

2. Can you actually afford the item? Then please do not contact a seller.  Stop asking for an 80% discount, offering your hamster as a swap for a Range Rover or being so arrogant, as to believe that just because you offer ‘cash’ and will ‘take away today’, it will change the sellers mind and will accept your insulting, embarrassing offer.

3. Read what the seller has written about the item.  Look for sizes, colours and conditions.  Carefully look at the photos.  Do not glance at the advert and ask questions that have already been answered.  You could save yourself masses of time and further shirty responses.  If its not written in the advert, however, then ask away.

4. Stop time wasting.  More than I’d care to remember, I have wasted mornings and afternoons waiting on gumtree goons who say they’re coming to view or buy an item and then never show.  It wastes time and money, as you stop any other potential buyers, because you believed the last idiot, who said he was coming.  Oh and he’s suddenly stopped responding to your calls.

To the goons who can’t read, won’t read or refuse to use the brain and eyes that god gave you, you are a small minority who are sucking the pleasure out of an otherwise productive and pleasurable pastime.  And you know what? That really gets my goat!

Goat has been got!

Did you enjoy this rant? Read Part 1 here, Cinema Commandos.

Important Tips on Copyrighting your work

  
Whether you’re a writer, film maker or a photographer, you are a creative individual. And if you have created something that is truly creative or utter rubbish, it is still yours and it belongs to you.

In today’s world of internet, email, iPhones, iPads & every other smart device, it is very easy for files and photos to be passed all around the world without the original creator ever being recognised.
Imagine your frustration of just finishing that blockbuster novel which you have stored on a memory card. You lose the memory card in the street. Six months later, your anger has subsided, but as you browse the shelves of your local bookstore, you see your manuscript published and selling like hotcakes with some other idiots name on the cover. An extreme example, I know. But you get my point. How do you prove that YOU actually wrote that novel and it is you that should actually be reaping the rewards of its success? Simple. You Copyright it.

Here are some simple steps to help protect your work.

1. It goes without saying, but back your work up. And keep the back ups in a different location from the originals. You would be amazed at the amount of artists who don’t do this.

2. At the end of your finished article or on the body of your creation, print the words: © YEAR + INITIALS (i.e.) © 2008 AGS. Learn more about this here.

3. Mail an original version of your work to yourself by recorded delivery. When it arrives, keep it somewhere safe, unopened.

4. Similar to above, email work to yourself in a secure email account. Leave the files unopened in your inbox or in a special folder.

Remember, you cannot copyright an idea, but you can copyright an article or story from which has been created from the idea. For example:
A fiction writer cannot copyright an idea about a Volcanic eruption, but they can register copyright over their own story, but cannot stop other fiction writers writing stories about volcanic eruptions.

The above steps are easy steps to take to begin protecting your work.

That really gets my goat! Part 1: Cinema Commandos

Goat 1

I love the movies. I always have. I remember way back when I was 10, and my mother would give my brother and I a few pounds each to go and see the latest Disney film or similar children’s guff while she headed off to the supermarket. It was great. The feeling and atmosphere you got from sitting in front of the big screen, waiting to get lost in an imaginary world for 90 minutes.

Years later, I still have that feeling. These days, however, I use my own money and go with friends, regardless of whether my mum is at the supermarket or not. But the feeling I get and the atmosphere I sense is still the same. The initial smell of burnt popcorn and overcooked hotdog sausages as you enter the lobby, the sound of ice cubes filling up those huge buckets that hold litres of fizzy juice, kids gawking at the huge cardboard cut out of Indiana Jones and the endless other posters and promotional cardboard that litters the walls and floor space. You just know your at the movies.

Doesn’t everybody feel the same? Don’t we all share the same passion and love for movies? Don’t we all visit the cinema and spend our hard earned cash on very expensive tickets and ridiculously overpriced confectionary because we want to and sit quietly for 90 minutes staring at the screen as we are entertained and lost in that imaginary world or adventure land? The answer to that is: No.

Some people believe that going to cinema is a fantastic place to meet with friends and sit in the dark, in single file to talk about that party they all got wasted at last Saturday night. Inconveniently, the venue that they chose as a meeting place, suddenly starts to play flashing images on the screen and accompanies it with loud music and dialogue. Naturally, the friends talk louder, so that they are able to hear one another. How rude. We can hardly hear ourselves think in here.

There are also an amazing amount of people who visit the cinema, buy their tickets and refreshments, find the theatre that their chosen film is playing in, and then decide for 15 minutes where to sit. After finding a seat, they sit through the 80’s music played over the speaker system, they watch all of the commercials and trailers. They then watch some more of the cinemas in house screening, reminding us not to smoke and to switch our phones off. Finally, the films classification board is displayed . Everyone is settled and ready. That’s fine, isn’t that what everybody does when they visit the cinema? Oh no wait, that person has decided that they forgot to buy a hotdog almost 25 minutes ago and get up and sneak, shoulders hunched, back out into the foyer, after causing the entire row to raise their knees, twice!

I recently had another encounter at the cinema. This one involved a film that had been out for a while which was screened in one of the cinema’s smaller theatres. Not many people, 8 in total, including myself and my friend. Although, we did have a late arrival. A loner in a red tracksuit, loaded with a litre of coke, nachos, a hotdog and a bucket of maltesers. Of course, as I just mentioned, this particular theatre was literally packed!(not!) So of course there was nowhere, at all, for this guy to sit except from directly behind us. The next 15 minutes consisted of my friend and I listening to nachos being chomped and a hotdog being gulped down while they were both washed down several times with rivers of coke. But it didn’t end there. Obviously very satisfied with his evening feast and comforted the by the warn and relaxing atmosphere provided by the cinema, what else is a guy to do, but take a nap….and snore uncontrollably. Luckily, I was armed with some maltesers myself, and after 5 minutes of listening to sleeping beauties sinus problems, he was abruptly awakened by a runaway chocolate ball. He remained awake for the remainder of the showing.

I know that there will be many people out there nodding their heads in agreement with me. Others will be shaking there heads in disagreement, stating it’s a free world, we can talk and sleep when and where we want. This is true. But surely we all have enough common sense and self control to realise when it is appropriate to conduct these actions.

So to all of you out there who insist on irritating the living daylights out of people who have a genuine enjoyment from visiting the cinema, I have set out a few suggestions for you, to stop you ‘getting our goats!’

1. If your friends from the other side of the planet are on their first day of visiting you- go to a bar or a restaurant. You can talk and laugh as much as you like and nobody will care.

2. If your on a first date, rent a DVD, cook dinner and cosy up together in the privacy of your own surroundings. Remember, some movies shown at the cinema are for younger viewers, too!

3. Your best mate normally calls you around the same time every night. However, you’ve arranged to see a movie tonight with your boy/girlfriend. Call your mate first and let them know you can talk right now or later, because, of course, you will inevitably forget to switch your phone off in the cinema and if you are a real idiot, you may even answer it!

4. Your tired, its been a long day at work and your on the early shift tomorrow. A bit of advice: go to bed and watch a DVD in there. Why pay good money on travel and a box office ticket, just to miss the entire show?

To those of you who follow these simple steps, you will keep the true movie goers happy and you will certainly save yourself a lot of money and embarrassment. Furthermore, you may save yourself from even more painstaking embarrassment, when you suddenly carryout one of the deadly cinema sins and you’re reported to the usher. Who, quite rightly so, bans you from the establishment for unsociable behaviour.  Most of all, however, it really, really gets my goat!

Goat has been got!

IMG_0004

We all dread it. Its almost a year since the car went for it’s last MOT. We try to avoid it, but can‘t. It‘s just the way it is. So, we drive into the garage and we are greeted by the smell of oil and sweat, the sound of a cheesy radio station echoes around the premises while spanners clunk and drills whirl. An overweight car mechanic, who has survived on a diet of cheeseburgers and coffee for the past 20 years, struggles out from underneath the truck he’s working on and rubs his oily hands on his already oil soaked cover alls. He takes one look at your car and makes the inevitable sucking sound through his teeth that seems to be written in the big book of car mechanics phrases and sounds:

“That’s gonna cost ya, pal!”

Of course it is. Anything automotive is going to cost, especially if you are driving a car more than 8 years old! This is when you are faced with the decision: Do I blow my money and hope that this old rust bucket lasts until next MOT? or do I just grit my teeth and bin it?
Sometimes binning it is the best long term option. If you do decided to scrap your old car, don’t be tempted to take it the a vehicle breaker just be offered £200 for it. Try some of these top tips. All you need is a little time and space in your back garden. A little mechanical knowledge would help, but it’s not essential.

1. Is the road tax still valid? Many people don’t realise that when you are no longer using a car on the road, you are entitled to a refund on the remaining duty on your road fund licence. Accompany the tax disc with the valid form to the DVLA’s office and you will receive a cheque in the mail about a week later.

2. Are the tyres still legal? If so, take them off and keep them for your next car. If you don’t fancy that idea, there are loads of road users out there looking for part worn cheap tyres.

3. How’s the upholstery? If you have car has leather interior, again, loads of car owners are looking for a cheaper option when it comes to tarting up their precious metal. You should advertise leather seats etc. in the local paper.

4. Break the engine. Easier said than done, I know. But a few hours taking common parts off the engine, cleaning them up and selling them is a fantastic way to make money. You could get up to £40 for a starter motor alone!

5. Take off all exterior fittings like side mirrors and lights. They fall into the same category as engine parts and are always sought after.

6. Interior items such as indicator and light switches are actually worth good money. Check out the prices of such things at a dealership and you’ll see what I mean. I was able to sell a set of indicator and light switches for an old Rover on eBay for £25!

7. Once your confident you’ve got the most profitable parts off the car, strip the rubbish out: Dashboard, door fascias, centre consoles etc. etc. Dispose of these items at your local recycling centre for free.

8. Providing you have space to keep your carcass outside for a while, fill it up with metal. Tins, cans, scrap metal. Clean them out, remove the labels and chuck them inside the car and fill it up. Make sure its only scrap metal you’re throwing in there.

9. If your able to deliver the carcass to your local metal recycling plant, they will pay on the weight off what you have delivered. You can expect a good payment from them. If you’re unable to deliver the carcass to the plant, many of them offer a pick up service, but this will reduce you payment quite a bit.

If you have the time to spare and the interest in this kind of thing, then it could prove to be a neat little earner for you. Advertising spare parts in local newspapers and on sites such as eBay will ensure you get a far better return for your scrap car.

12 Things we learned from Die Hard

It’s a classic.  We love it.  We grew up with it.  We still watch it, excited, thrilled and rooting for unsuspecting cop, John Mclane.  When realesed in 1987, John McTiernans Die Hard set a new standard for action movies, while spiralling Bruce Willis into superstardom and pocketing him, a then unheard of, $5 million dollar pay day.  Even today, Die Hard has not lost any of its charm, wit, or gritty action feel.  Though I’d never dare to admit how many hours of my life have disappeared due to watching this film, I’ve seen enough to compile a list of things Ive ‘learned’.  Whether they be fact or fiction, who cares? John Mclane has taught us afterall.

TV Dinner

1. Cramped, sweaty, claustrophobic, unsure, scared to death and like you’re crawling inside an air-con unit, within an elevator shaft.  John Mclane certainly cleared up how a TV dinner must feel, all of the time.

Fists with your toes

2. Making fists with your toes, apparently helps you over your fear of flying, after you’ve flown.

Terrorists

3. Any terrorist organisation that enters the USA, are German, 6 feet tall, have long hair (mostly blonde) and speak sentences non sensical to the German language.

Fire hose around waist

4. Swinging off of a tower building, such as the Nakatomi Tower, with a fire hose wrapped around your waist and colliding into a window, is not enough to break the glass.  Instead, swinging out, firing your gun and shattering the glass is currently the most effective way to get back inside.

Ordering a pizza

5. If you are ever unfortunate enough to be in a predicament such as John Mclanes, contacting the authorities via a civilian handheld radio will only be taken as a hoax and you will most likely be taken as a clown ordering a pizza.

lobby

6. Every imaginable piece of equipment in the Nakatomi Tower (auto doors, elevators, packing shutters etc. etc.) are seeming all controlled from 1 very dated computer behind the reception desk in the lobby.

elevator shaft

7. The inside of elevator shafts of the Nakatomi Tower, appear to be very manouverable and seemingly an easier way to navigate through the building.

Air con Shaft

8. Aircon shafts appear to be capable of sustaining the weight of a grown man, such as John Mclane, while he hides from tall, long blonde terrorists.

yippe ki yay

9. Even when under attack or during times of distress, or when just escaping death, it may still be possible to spout out a witty comment or one liner in relation to your current situation, to yourself.

explosion

10. Dropping a 1980’s computer monitor, while tied to a swivel chair, down an elevator shaft, will cause a devastating explosion and blast any glass screen doors into next Tuesday while covering any unsuspecting police officers or spectators unlucky enough to be standing outside.

safe

11. If you wish to rob a building containing a safe of $60 million in bearer bonds, such as the Nakatomi Tower, don’t hijack the building and risk your years of planning being screwed by an unsuspecting yahoo cop in a vest.  Simply kill the power to building from the main grid and the safe will open!

Hans Falling

12. If you are accidentally (or purposely) dropped from the 30th floor of a tower building, it will take you approximately 5 seconds to smash to your ugly death below.

“You’ll pay for this in Die Hard 3 John Mclaaaaaaaannnnneee…….”

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