1. You drive at speeds totally unacceptable in built up areas. You fly through streets where kids play and where elderly people walk their dogs. You are so excruciatingly stupid that you have no respect or consideration for yourself or others. Seriously, at those speeds you should have EasyJet printed on you’re car.
2. You text while driving. I fundamentally believe that this should be a punishable crime. Do you realise how dangerous and stupid this is? Also, you have got to be the most arrogant asshole alive, I mean, who is that important, popular or busy that they cannot wait until it’s safe to check their phone? Oh, are your updating you status on Facebook? “We’ll, I’m driving like a total moron, lol”
3. You think it’s okay to drive with no insurance. I really believe that if I shaved an Ape and gave him the keys to a Yugo he’d refuse to drive it until I logged onto confused.com and bought him some insurance. What gives you the right, while the rest of us mugs have to pay through the nose each and every month?
4. You’ve yet to discover your indicators (or turn signals). They’re a fantastically clever device created by auto manufacturers that keep us all safe on the road. In fact, they’re ever so simple to use. Switch it left when you want to turn left & switch it right when you want to turn right. Amazingly, other drivers will then know what you’re intentions are.
5. You lane hop. When the motorway is busy and we all just want to get home, you make an already long and tedious journey even longer by hopping lanes, jumping queues and just generally being a complete and utter selfish moron. What makes me laugh though is that you jump the queues and risk lives only to be caught at the lights ahead, meaning all your idiotic driving and risk taking was for nothing. Freak.
6. You tail gate. I can’t see a damn thing because your ice White LEDs are flooding the interior of my car. I’m driving at the speed limit, but, that’s not quick enough for you, so, you bully me and push me along an already dangerous road. Sorry, I’m fine with the speed I’m going, don’t like it? Hire a helicopter.
7. You overtake when its unsafe to do so. Are you really that thick? All you have between your ears is fresh air and fluff, right? No? Then what on gods green earth makes you think it’s okay to risk everybody’s lives by overtaking on a blind corner or a blind summit or in the middle of obscene weather? If you wish to kill yourself, crack on. However, please do not involve me or other innocent safe drivers in your kamikaze operation.
8. You don’t have a licence. Enough said.
9. Your play the most ridiculous music at an indescribable volume. I’m amazed that you don’t save a fortune on fuel for your car, because the vibrations created from your head thumping, glow stick and whistle blowing “music” should be more than enough to carry your rusting A to B along the road. Furthermore, some of us have jobs and young kids and have to be up early in the morning, so do you think you could have some consideration when you whizz by my house at 1am, please?
10. You drive the most idiotic, uncomfortable looking heaps of rotting junk that I’ve ever clapped eyes on. The auto manufacturers spent years and millions of pounds designing and developing your current model of car. However, you feel the need to screw wings and splitters to it, stick “go faster stripes” to it. You pull the identification badges from it and black out all of the windows. You drop it to the floor meaning it handles like a shopping trolley and a simple journey from home to the bank will rattle your teeth out. Finally, you screw an exhaust note enhancer to the tail pipe meaning the car sounds like a cat giving birth to a rhino, sideways. And for good measure, you rev it unnecessarily, usually, around 1am in the morning.
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