The write life offers feedback from literary agents on what they don’t like to see in the opening of a novel.
My eyes are heavy, my mind numb. I’m unshaven today. My feet ache. Today I lack legerity, I’m logy. I find myself labouring on every task, everything’s an effort. I can’t be bothered.
End of blog.
Q: “Excuse me, do you work here?”
A: “No, I absolutely love this mass produced, sweat box uniform, so I just wear it for the crack. Also, I love voluntarily getting on my knees in random stores and helping out obnoxious, rude people for free.”
Q: “How much is this?”
A: “Hmm, I don’t know. Let me just consult my onboard computer and access my worldwide price App that I have built in. I had no idea I looked like a walking price-list, I must talk to my plastic surgeon.”
Q: “Where are the toilets?”
A: “Well, if you follow the huge directional signs that this particular company has spent thousands of pounds on perfecting to ensure people like you can find them, it’ll take you right there. I know, I know, its extremely silly of me to think that you could lift your head and look for yourself.”
Q: “Excuse me, to save me looking, could you tell me where A, B & C are kept?”
A: “Of course, of course. I’ll save you the trouble of looking and do your shopping for you. It’s a terrible ordeal this shopping carry on, I couldn’t expect you to look for your required items on your own. Actually, aren’t you the person who recently asked where the toilets were?”
Q: “Can you put another checkout on? I’ve been waiting for 10 minutes!”
A: “First of all, 10 minutes is an extreme exaggeration, you only just joined a queue of 2 people. Secondly, if you could just stop thinking about your arrogant self and your pointless little errands that you have to get on with, as I know that you’re an extremely important and busy person and the world revolves around you, you’ll notice that the employee behind the till is working very hard to get customers through quickly and efficently and does not deserve any kind of rude behaviour from you”
Q: “This is a disgrace, let me speak to the Manager!”
A: “The manager is actually very busy at the moment, dealing with more important issues and customers who have genuine complaints and manners. Also, the manager will most likely stick to the answer or decision that I have made as you are acting like a spoiled child and believe that you can make unreasonable demands to little people shop workers, like me.”
“Is there anything else I can help you with today?” – (asked with a smile)
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